Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
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My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies