What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa