[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I didn’t realize that was an option
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE