My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?