Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
You Might Also Like
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like