Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Best seat on the street 😍
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.