No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
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*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
This could be us… but you playing
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot