@NicestHippo: Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren't out yet
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@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
@TheUrbanSlangs: Drunk - When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
@jamitupin: The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?
@WhaJoTalkinBout: Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids? Hubs: With the door locked. Me: She means how do we manage...but yeah.