[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato