[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.