pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Matt Goss
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’