pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”