Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I’M CRYINGGG
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.