@ZanyJaney11: Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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@AndyAsAdjective: gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says "MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU'RE KID" just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
@Dschnoeb: A woman on the subway this morning said "did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?" So really, we deserve this.
@SteveSuckington: "Sorry my phone died" -something I've said 5,326 times but it's never actually happened
@WilliamAder: When your pet is staring at you, it's probably thinking "I wonder how long those things live."