Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends