@seamussaid: piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists
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@zachreinert03: My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
@Try2StopME: Husband: "Lost my keys again." Wife: "It's in your Jeans." Husband: "Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!"
@3sunzzz: Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child's dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
@Vanilla_cupcak: My doctor wasn't amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said One hundred and fat