piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The glockness monster
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.