piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
new shirt idea
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
How dude HOW?!
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
me logging onto twitter
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
ibopfufen
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Usage Guidelines
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
No one told me my life would become so much googling it