@DamienFahey: Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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@Brianhopecomedy: *bakes 12 cookies* *waits for family to come home* *eats 12* *family arrives* 5 year old: "I SMELL COOKIES!" "Weird! Here's a salad."
@daemonic3: [interview] What is your biggest weakness? "Sometimes I'm too succinct" Can you give an example? "Yes"
@Sickayduh: [Phone rings] Babysitter: Hello? Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs. Babysitter: Wha.. What's upstairs? Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT'S UP WITH YOU