Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
😎 🍻
is nasa ok
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?