Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.