PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
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Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
#titanic
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.