PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife