You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.