@samalmightysam: PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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@thenoahkinsey: Some are mad Trump won. Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad. I'm mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it's only 1/3 full.
@OffTheHutch: "So send me a picture of you..." *sends* "Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever."
@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
@SSDated: Me: *crawls in window* Him: What are you doing?! Me: You're my boyfriend now? Him: I'm calling the cops Me: But you retweeted me??