PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You Might Also Like
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
incredible book dedication
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people