I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Stick it to the man
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
😂😂
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.