[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss