“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Sunday
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.