[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
This kid will have a bright future.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.