Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it