Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Breaking news:
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
🙀🙀🙀😹