[screaming into the void]
MARCO
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🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good