I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The news in a nutshell.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.