[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.