[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
You Might Also Like
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My love language is deader than Latin
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
wtf management?!
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either