[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Yes, this is exactly right
I know a bad idea when I see one.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Jesus Christ lmao
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind