[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
You Might Also Like
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?