Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
congratulations to them
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]