Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
fly smarter, not harder
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.