Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
the chicken was already gone when I got here
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible