@Brentweets: Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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@Sickayduh: [Titanic] Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign. Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat- "What about Leo?" Steward: No. Leo dies.
@avxlanche: the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves "we should put him back together"
@jonnysun: ME: woud u be open to adoption? HUSBAND: yes [later, at the adoption agency] ME: yes hi, i'd like to put my husband up for adoption
@Bratch_Patch: "Friends are a dime a dozen." *pulls out a sack full of dimes* "Sweet, I'll take 32 dozen friends please."