@Brentweets: Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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@shutupmikeginn: "Oh, you're left handed?" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I'm just doing it for show
@ImaFlyontheWall: Drunk me used to set a "Mystery Alarm" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
@TheCiscoKidder: Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can't see them anymore.