*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.