Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
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My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Cats (2019)
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options