Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
How does one answer this?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Batman v Dracula
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*