Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends