Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”