My spirit animal is fried chicken
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I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today