@_mcgoof: Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
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@bornmiserable: "Where do escalators come from?" "Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much..."
@thepunningman: [on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
@SteveSuckington: [first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape