Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
my mom making me talk to relatives
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.