[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Carpe DM
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*