“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.