Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Why am I like this?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.