Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Sell your car
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.