@KickingAnchors: Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
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@KimmyMonte: [walks into aquarium] me: hi can I just use your bathroom? employee: sorry it's for patrons only me: ok fine I'll take four sharks
@AbbyHasIssues: Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt? Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
@AnOrangeSNES: If you are dissolving someone in a vat it's no longer an acid problem, it's an acid solution.
@CoopSoSarc: We decided to go out for bbq tonight. As it turns out, I'm too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.