Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows