That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you