@DaHess1: Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
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@ShortWhiteNUgly: My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
@pleatedjeans: [standing in driveway with wife] I thought we agreed on a Prius [giant eagle pecks at saddle] NO THIS IS BETTER
@WheelTod: Major milestone today -- found my first grey pubic hair! But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.