@DaHess1: Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
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@Parkerlawyer: I made a grown man cry today in court. But yet I can't get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
@wolfpupy: "i wouldnt be caught dead" someone throws a net over my dead corpse "gotcha!!" "noooo"
@DanMentos: [first date] *pointing indiscriminately* "uh-oh looks like we're on the Kiss Cam" there's no- *leans in* there's no Kiss Cam at Applebees
@simoncholland: You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don't have to fill out a form or anything.