@DaHess1: Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
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@Zwolf666: Stephen Hawking's worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
@mompsychologist: Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car. Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
@Reverend_Scott: WORM 911: what's ur emergency FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD WORM 911: u need medical help? FLATWORM: wait, there's 2 of me now. we're good.