@DaHess1: Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
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@david8hughes: [first day as diving instructor] Guy [from the back]: what's the signal for a shark Me: sharks don't really give signals they just show up
@ChrisStokdyk: "PSST." It came from my waffles. "PSST," again. "What?" I ask, furtively. "You look really nice today." Complimentary Breakfast
@callie_cakes: PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.